walls fall down

i sat at church tonight, lost in the music. i hunched over, and i could feel hot tears hitting my hands. my tears. hot with confusion, but most of all frustration.

God, why did you bring me here? what was the purpose? i have hit wall after wall, and fallen flat on my face . . . and i'm not even sure if i've gotten up yet. i don't know who i am to be, but i know that i'm not needed here. i pulled out my journal and began to purge myself the best way i know how. writing letters to God.

God i want you to be my everything again. i want to be amazed by your activity, i want to be filled and overflowing with your truth.

and as i prayed those words, God spoke to me. a friend slipped her arm around me and said "God wants you to know that you're supposed to be here. He's going to use you in this church, don't be afraid of being a part of His plans for you". i could only cry harder as she prayed over me.

God i still don't understand. But the walls are falling down.