i've been quiet lately. withdrawn.
i was out yesterday with some friends from church . . . and i just couldn't be myself. that frustrates me, because in order to build friendships you need a vulnerable genuity and openness. you can't hide and hope people will take the time to find you.
one thing i realized yesterday, is that i have never had the chance to settle myself in a community, or in a church. it seems that i am constantly trying to adjust, trying to find my place, trying to figure things out. i am finding that really hard. i have had a lifetime of making friends, and leaving friends - moving in and moving out. the novelty of being new wears off quickly.
. . . i long for familiarity.
i envy those who have friends that have known them since kindergarten, or are involved in a church that has watched them grow up.
ironically . . . even as i type this, i am itching to move. restless to leave, and face some new adventure. as if all those years of leaving and starting over has made me unable to settle. i feel as though i am years behind everyone else.
it seems as though the things you want the most, often turn out to be your greatest fears and insecurities.
Monday, December 03, 2007
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2 comments:
This sounds very familiar!
Amen Sista! preach it! I can agree with all you are saying... I feel the exact same things! I am so sick of making friends and then moving away from them that I am now kind of in a paralyzed place of not wanting to start in a new community for fear of doing it again! It sucks... but I don't know what to do!
Can this be an advice column? I love your new vigor in blogging and I will for sure be a regular reader! I really think you have a gift in writing and I can't wait to read more!
Thanks for encouraging and spurring us on through the everyday!
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